6 Red Flags in a Man You Should Never Overlook Before Marriage
Knowing the red flags in a man before marriage is one of the most important things you can do for your future marriage. I'm not saying that every man is dangerous, but we must understand that he will be at his absolute best during courtship, while life after marriage will bring out the rest.
So during the getting-to-know process, you need to be be extra careful to avoid falling for his charming facade.
Here's why this matters:
1 in 3 women in the U.S. suffer from intimate partner violence.¹
If you ask them, they will tell you: "I wish I noticed all of his red flags when I was getting to know him."²
So please remember this: the more charming a man is, the more you want to watch out for any alarming clues he does not want you to see. Because some of these red flags might already stare you right in the face, but you will not notice them because "everything about him is so cute!"
Here is the good news: a man might hide some of his red flags, but if you practice this next true-love skill, then it is impossible for him to hide all of his red flags.
Go through the red flags below and look out for clues whenever you consider a guy, especially when you are getting to know him more deeply for marriage.
Mark my words: I don’t want you to be in a situation where you are oblivious to his obvious red flags, and then he ends up revealing his true abusive self after marriage.
Not on my watch!
As you go through the red flags, focus on 5 specific areas where you want to feel safe and secure. Coincidentally, the entire system of Islām is built with this in mind — to protect you in these 5 areas: intellect, family, life, faith, and wealth.³
Red Flag #1
Foul Language
If a man cannot speak without using the F word or the S word in every other sentence, run the other way and never look back.
If he has a habit of using swear words in everyday conversation, you do not want to hear the garbage that comes out of his mouth when he is frustrated or hangry.
After living with him for some time, you might start using vulgar language yourself -- a habit that is not fitting for a Muslim at all.⁴
What if his language is clean? Can he still cause damage with his words?
Yes, he can.
That is why you want to watch out for habits like slandering, backbiting, gossiping, and gaslighting.⁵
If he is someone who talks trash with you about other people, you can almost guarantee that he is talking trash about you to other people as well.
Red Flag #2
A Short Temper and Anger Issues
I am separating short temper from foul language because verbal abuse can happen with or without anger issues.
However, when a short temper is paired with foul language, it is a ticking time bomb. If you are in love with him, then you are likely to make excuses for him and say: "That is just one instance. He is not always like that."
Keep in mind: verbal abuse can open the door for physical abuse.⁶ It is not always the case, but physical abuse does not come out of nowhere. Usually, there are breadcrumbs and subtle clues you can follow.⁷
Now, think about a man you interact with.
Put your detective hat on and answer each question below honestly, with a yes or no. No maybes.
Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him?
Do you feel like you cannot share things about yourself because you are afraid he might mock, ridicule, or make fun of you?
Do you feel like you are constantly being put down about how you look, think, dress, talk, or act?
Does he yell at you and then say something like "you are being too sensitive!" or "you do not have a sense of humor!"?
Does he overreact to small problems and then later blame you for the argument that comes out of it?
Does he hide his verbal abuse when you are with other people but acts completely differently when you are alone with him?
Do you feel threatened by him or are you scared of him?
If you answered “yes” to a few of the above questions, there is a good chance that he is being verbally and emotionally abusive. A verbally abusive man can inflict a world of damage that can take an entire lifetime to heal.
You ain't got time for that!
Red Flag #3
Physical or Emotional Intimacy Before Marriage
Here is the reality:
in the US, 50% of Muslim students engage in pre-marital sex⁸
When a guy sweet-talks a girl into being physically intimate, he often runs the other way when she gets pregnant.⁹
Besides the risk of pregnancy, both sides could catch sexually transmitted infections (STIs), especially if they are physically intimate with other people.
On that note, if you are physically intimate with someone right now:
Do not jump into marriage just to make the relationship ḥalāl.
Even though you will both lose points under character, you still want to make sure that he is compatible with you.
Now, switching gears to a topic that might be a bit delicate, but important to talk about: two secret habits.
The first one is masturbation. It is a secret habit a lot of men have.¹⁰ If it is an occasional habit, on its own, I would not consider it a red flag.
However, if it is paired with the second secret habit, which is watching pornography, then I would consider that a red flag, especially if it becomes a compulsion, known as PMO addiction, which means a cycle of Porn, Masturbation, and Orgasm.
For now, here are a few clues: if a guy asks you to send him explicit photos of you, or if he is asking you improper questions (like sex positions or your past sexual experience, for example) or if he shares explicit jokes with you, then those are red flags.
Red Flag #4
Smoking, Drinking, or Substance Use
Do you want a husband who cannot control his anger, becomes aggressive or violent towards you or your children? No way!
Please stay away from a man who uses any mind-altering substance, even if it is only on rare occasions. It does not matter whether or not he is addicted to them. Here is why:
47% of Muslim students drink alcohol.¹¹
Some of them stop this habit after college. Others do not. When a husband is high on recreational drugs or drunk on alcohol, the chances of him abusing his wife and kids goes through the roof. It is no surprise that alcohol is a big factor in 4 out of every 10 reported cases of domestic violence in the U.S.¹²
Which one do you think is worse: smoking hookah or smoking cigarettes?
I was surprised to learn that 1 hour of hookah smoking is equal to inhaling up to 200 cigarettes.¹³
Some women say:
"I am okay if he smokes, just not indoors."
Let me ask you this: would you be okay knowing that your husband is committing slow suicide with each puff he takes?
Think about this too: would you kiss an ashtray?
A disgusting, stinking ashtray — every single day?
When someone smokes cigarettes, hookah, weed, or chews tobacco, they will reek of the stench no matter how hard they try to hide that stink with breath spray or gum.
Even worse, he is likely friends with people who have similar habits who smoke, drink, and party. As his wife, in the future, would you want to spend time with his drinking and party-going friends in a haze of smoke?
If you are inclined, even a little bit, to think that secondhand smoking is somehow okay, then maybe you'll want to give it another thought, because...
Children who are exposed to smoking suffer in their ability to be affectionate and tender, show interest and curiosity, smile and laugh, and bounce back quickly.¹⁴
Not to mention losing sleep and other health issues, even if your husband does not smoke at home.¹⁵
Red Flag #5
The Two Extremes of Religion
Just because someone looks outwardly religious, it does not always mean that he is inwardly pious or has a good character.
There are men who pray 5 times a day, have long beards, and wear long thawbs, yet they are vile and disgusting in their treatment of their wives and children. What is sad is that some of them do not even realize they are being two-faced hypocrites.
Extreme in deen can also mean the "my way or the highway" approach to practicing Islām. So, if he instantly labels a Muslim who disagrees with him a "non-believer," that is a huge red flag.
Have you heard the phrase: "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing?"
Some students of Islām unknowingly go through this extremely zealous phase. They grow out of it once they realize the difference between textbook knowledge and real-life wisdom.
Now, the other side of this extreme is: faking it.
There are men who pretend to be Muslims only because they grew up in a Muslim family, yet they do not even believe in Allāh or life after death. They hide their atheistic or agnostic beliefs due to their friends or family pressure.
Here’s why I’m telling you this: some of these men, nevertheless, look for "nice" religious girls to marry because they still want a healthy marriage and a stable family.
I know women who have fallen victim to such men and, just for the sake of their marriage and family, some of these women have slowly sacrificed their deen.
Why does this matter?
Because your husband is your jannah or jahannam.¹⁶ He has a huge influence on you and your future children's hereafter. Do not let a liar drag you down to hell.
On that note, when you see a man's parents practice the deen really well, do not automatically assume that their son is the same. Be open and be careful.
Assess his deen on his own merit.
Bottom line: stay away from both of these extremes and look for someone who approaches his deen and dunyā with some semblance of balance, without completely ignoring either.
Red Flag #6
Terrible with Money
If a man is penny-pinching and stingy while he is single, chances are that he will stay the same after marriage.
On the other hand, if he maxes out all of his credit cards and can barely make the minimum monthly payment, that is not a good sign either. Stay far away if he has a habit of gambling!
Of course, student loans and poor money management by his parents, basically things that he does not have direct control over, do not count against him.
Be careful not to jump the gun with someone just because he is rich. A woman who seeks out a rich man to marry just because he is rich might end up in a terrible marriage, especially if she overlooks all of his red flags.
You might be asking: are these the only red flags in a relationship with a man? No, but these are the primary ones. There are more red flags to discover, and more importantly, how to recognize if a guy has them.
Knowing the signs of a bad husband and father before he becomes your husband is exactly what this work is about. These are not just red flags in a relationship you stumble upon after saying yes. These are patterns you can learn to recognize now, before you commit.
Want to know how to spot these red flags in real conversations?
The 8-Step Marriage Roadmap gives you the exact questions to ask, when to ask them, and how to recognize the answers that matter. Start with the Marriage Ready Quiz to see where you are today.
Watch the full episode on YouTube:
Love Mistakes Chapter 5: Is He Mr. Red Flag?
References:
¹ Herbell, K., et al. (2020). Keeping it together for the kids: New mothers' descriptions of the impact of intimate partner violence on parenting. Child Abuse & Neglect, 99, 104268. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2019.104268
² White, M., et al. (2017). Memories of intimate partner violence and the process of change. Annals of Clinical Psychiatry: 29(1), 35-45. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28207914/
³ Alsomali, N., & Hussein, G. (2021). CRISPR-Cas9 and He Jiankui's Case: an Islamic Bioethics Review using Maqasid al-Shari'a and Qawaid Fighiyyah. Asian Bioethics Review, 13(2), 149-165. https://doi.org/10.1007/s41649-021-00167-1
⁴ Sunnah.com/tirmidhi:1977 "The believer is not a slanderer, one who curses a lot, one who indulges in obscenity, or one who engages in foul talk."
⁵ To gaslight means to manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. The word came from the storyline of a 1944 film Gaslight, where the husband psychologically manipulates his wife into believing that she is going insane.
⁶ Henning, K., & Klesges, L. M. (2003). Prevalence and characteristics of psychological abuse reported by court-involved battered women. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 18(8), 857-871. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260503253878
⁷ Towler, A., Eivers, A., & Frey, R. (2020). Warning Signs of Partner Abuse in Intimate Relationships: Gender Differences in Young Adults' Perceptions of Seriousness. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 35(7-8), 1779-1802. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260517696869
⁸ https://www.thefyi.org/infographics/pre-marital-sex-among-muslim-youth/
⁹ U.S. Census Bureau, Current Population Survey, Table C3. Living Arrangements of Children Under 18 Years and Marital Status of Parents, by Age, Sex, and Selected Characteristics of the Child for All Children: 2022. https://www.census.gov/data/tables/2022/demo/families/cps-2022.html
¹⁰ Gul, A., et al. (2020). Frequency of nocturnal emissions and masturbation habits among virgin male religious teenagers. Revista internacional de andrologia, 18(1), 21-26. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.androl.2018.08.002
¹¹ Doukas, Nick. Ahmed, Sarah. (2016). Substance Use among Muslims Residing in the United States: A Literature Review. Alcoholism, Drug Abuse & Substance Dependence. 2. 1-4. https://bit.ly/mcsda47
¹² Sontate, K. V. et al. (2021). Alcohol, Aggression, and Violence: From Public Health to Neuroscience. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 699726. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.699726
¹³ Arfken, C. L., et al. (2015). Pilot Study of Waterpipe Tobacco Smoking Among US Muslim College Students. Journal of Religion and Health, 54(5), 1543-1554. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10943-014-9871-x
¹⁴ Merianos, A. L., et al. (2021). Exposure to Tobacco Smoke and Temperament among U.S. Children 0-5 Years Old. Journal of Pediatric Psychology, 46(4), 454-464. https://doi.org/10.1093/jpepsy/jsaa123
¹⁵ Merianos, A. L., et al. (2021). Tobacco smoke exposure and inadequate sleep among U.S. school-aged children. Sleep Medicine, 86, 99-105. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sleep.2021.08.012
